ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
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A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
guilty
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
#CoronaOutbreak
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
The Sun
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind