Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
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[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
[loses house key, starts a new life]
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line