ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
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If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
the three branches of government
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude