Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
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Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
Breaking news:
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.