Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
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ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’