ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
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If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.