ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
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“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.