ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
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kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
Bloody internet 😳
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.