me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
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That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this