me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
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Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
My zodiac sign is pistachio
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even