ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
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If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.