Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
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Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
My last name is Zilla.
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused