Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
You Might Also Like
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
“I wouldn’t.”
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.