ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
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Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁