ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
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her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.