I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
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Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
Me, flirting😏
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
My first son he is wonderful
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.