Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
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How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.