ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
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Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants