Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
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Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
🖤✌🏽
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long