Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
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[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
New menu item
Seems kinda suspicious
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
when nothing goes right… go left