me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
You Might Also Like
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone