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[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
$3 #books
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
Me driving through Toronto
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive