Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
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3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
car not found
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.