Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
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When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
*pronounces UPS like yoops
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think