Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
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Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
How do you milk an almond?
i choose….tongue
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
Owl Sanctuary
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.