Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
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me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them