ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
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Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that