[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
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I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
why I oughta
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
Finally, a door that understands me
My daily affirmation
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
RT if you know someone like this!!!
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.