[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
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My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
notice
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]