[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
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Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*