@ShesARealGenius: [Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I'm dying]: "Oh, you don't have to do that, don't worry about it."
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@Adar79Angie: You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
@pickupIines: are you my appendix because i don't understand how you work but this feeling in my stomach makes me want to take you out
@matt_simpson84: My wife and I have an ongoing game called "Wipe Boogers on Stuff in the House" that she doesn't know we are playing
@AndyAsAdjective: KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream? ME: no you may not [long pause] K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?