@ShesARealGenius: [Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I'm dying]: "Oh, you don't have to do that, don't worry about it."
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@truegritrumble: ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME! UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right? ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
@robdelaney: Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it's gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
@velweb: 12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you're handsome. Me: Aww. That's cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?