@ShesARealGenius: [Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I'm dying]: "Oh, you don't have to do that, don't worry about it."
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@Playing_Dad: *turns on shower* *shower whispers "eat donuts for breakfast" & "get drunk tonight"* Me: Wow, that's some serious water pressure
@JohnLyonTweets: [parent-teacher conference] Teacher: Which kid is yours? Me: I don't have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot. T: M: How you doin'?
@EndhooS: "What would be your main strength?" Well, I can communicate with animals... "Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?" They can't understand me.
@LambyMcSheeps: Sometimes you need a little distance to see things clearly, but other times it is obviously a bear and you should probably just run