[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
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Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
I love it all
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
want me to check your oil?
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*