me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
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Not today. 😅
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
Battery falling down a hole
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon