me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
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*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
i wish i could marry a nap
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.