Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
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“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
Note to self: I am a note
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting