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2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
my sentiments exactly
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.