Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
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It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
he chose this
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.