ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
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“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
Cannot stop laughing at this
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.