I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
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Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
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Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
This line from Airplane.
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
When a shoelace touches your ankle
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon