ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
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Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?