ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
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REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
tourist season
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.