Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
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Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
#StillHurts
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
Venn
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping