[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
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There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.