ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
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Tammy is short for Tamuel
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
car not found
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
idk what he going thru but i feel him
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
BETRAYAL