ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
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Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
This was my dad’s browser history.
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works