Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
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I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*