Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
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Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.