Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
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I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away