Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
You Might Also Like
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
absolute chaos
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
one of
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.