Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
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therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.