Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
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I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
I like donuts.
Twitter:
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered