Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
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My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?